Souls Revisions
5. The End of the Captain’s Personal Struggle.
By: AW
Disclaimer: I don’t own them we all know who does, but the story however twisted is mine.
Rated: MA
Length: 4836 words
[0200 Next Morning – Janeway Quarters]
Kathryn heard Hayden fussing and moved towards the baby’s nursery.
She looked around at the room which had housed all of her children during their formative years except Jennica.
She stared at Hayden and picked him up from the crib where he slept.
That child was the spitting image of Chakotay right down to the deep brown eyes.
She clasped the child to her breast and let him nurse.
As the peacefulness of motherhood and the smell of a new baby surrounded her, her husband d walked into the room.
Kathryn stared at Hayden who’s eyes had drifted closed, and had drifted back to the sleep world.
Kathryn placed her fingers to her lips in a motion to quiet her husband.
He nodded and waited as his wife placed the slumbering child back in the crib.
She slowly followed Chakotay back out to the living room and followed him to the couch. Before she got that far she stopped at the replicator, “Do you want anything to drink?” At Chakotay’s motion to the negative Kathryn stepped up to the replicator, “Coffee, black.”
The replicator produced the substance and she followed him to the couch. “I know that look Chakotay; what’s wrong?”
He made sure his wife was seated and she had had at least on sip of the coffee, her backbone when he began. “While you were in the nursery feeding Hayden, I got a call from sickbay.”
Kathryn stared at him waiting for him to continue. When he simply looked down as if in a motion of defeat she stared at him curiosity in her eyes. He continued, “It’s Jennica.”
Kathryn’s blank stared bore into him, waiting for him to contine.
He stared down at the ground and shook his head, “Maybe you should go to sickbay.”
Kathryn nodded, “You’ll watch the kids?”
Chakotay nodded and motioned for his wife to make her way to sickbay, where the day or reckoning would begin.
[Sickbay – 20 minutes later]
Kathryn paused outside the doors of sickbay. She drew in a deep breath attempting to gather her courage. She drew in a deep breath and walked inside the sickbay doors.
Nothing would have prepared her for what she saw.
Jennical was laying on the biobed, tubes and machines hooked up to her, attempting to keep her oldest baby’s hearth pumping and lungs breathing.
Maybe to try and make her fully human had just been too much to ask.
Kathryn took one last look at the body on the biobed and raced out of sickbay, the doctor trying to make her stop, begging her to stop and for once realize that this may be the last time she saw her child again.
Finally, he tapped his commbadge, “Doctor to Chakotay, could you make sure the Captain is okay? I told you this might happen, she came in; saw Jennica lying there comatose and hurried away.”
Chakotay sighed, “I need to get someone down here to watch the kids then I’ll be on my way.”
The doctor cleared his throat, “I already anticipated this, B’Elanna is on her way with Miral and Katie to watch your three, and then Tom will meet you in the messhall. I thought it was important that he be involved in this seeing as Jennica is his child too.”
Chakotay sighed, “Fine doctor, but I need to find Kathryn.”
“I know and at this point I think that Tom Paris would be a great inspiration to help her deal with Jennica’s imminent death.”
Chakotay felt tears coming to his eyes and nodded, “Thank you doctor, Chakotay out.”
Chakotay waited for B’Elanna to get there. Finally the door chime sounded. Chakotay let the Chief Engineer in children in tow.
Chakotay sighed, “Taya should be getting up around 7, Haley will sleep until then too, maybe a little later. And the newest Janeway Hayden I don’t know when he’ll get up. When Kathryn wants to supplement his diet, the formula is under Janway4763.”
B’Elanna watched her oldest friend draw in a deep breath, he looked like he was going to lose it. She walked up to the broken man and wrapped her arms around him in a hug of comfort. “Go take care of the Captain and my husband; I’ll take care of your brood.”
Chakotay silently nodded and made his way out the door.
[Hydroponics Bay – 20 minutes later]
Kathryn sat in the hydroponicsbay, knowing exactly what the prognosis was for Jennica. That girl had lasted longer than she had expected, and she had gotten closer to Jennica than she had ever expected.
She had fallen in love again with her daughter from years gone by.
She heard the voice, “Jennica needs you, you know. She has to know that you loved her no matter what even if she never gets the chance to acknowledge it.”
Kathryn spun around and saw Chakotay standing in front of her. “You don’t know Chakotay. There is nothing else I can do for my child.”
“You can be there for her.”
“I can’t do it again Chakotay. I can’t lose another one.”
Chakotay sighed, “I’m sorry that this has happened to you, but you can’t live your life in a bubble. For god’s sake Kathryn you’ve accomplished more in your life than most people do in a lifetime, and your life isn’t over. You still have Taya, and Haley, and Hayden. You can’t do this. Yes you’ve lost children and you’re going to lose another one, but you have to focus on what you do have; Not what you’ve lost. You have a good life on Voyager.”
Kathryn was sniffling, “She’s my first baby Chakotay, my first born. The one that came before the rest.” She stared at her husband, “When I found her again, I thought it was a chance to atone for past indiscretions, I saw it as a way to atone for what I’d done in the past.”
“Kathryn –”
She glared at him, “Don‘t try to console me, and don’t try to make me feel better. I have been the devise of about half of my family, and now I realize why Captain’s shouldn’t have family lives; I realize why military strategists, and leaders don’t fall in love and live happily ever after; I realize –”
Chakotay looked at her angrily, “You realize what you’re doing to the family that you have left? Taya, Haley and Haden: they know nothing of this situation and honestly aside from Taya having a brief memory of Hannah, they won’t remember. They won’t know, and you need to get it together before this causes more issues than it solves.”
Kathryn stared at him surprised and absolved by what he had said to her. “I knew I shouldn’t have let you back into my life. The moment you left me at the academy all those years ago, the moment that I had my heart broken; that’s when I knew that I had to focus on nothing more than the career who made me who I was. I was no longer a woman but simply a Captain: Nothing more, nothing sig less.”
“Kathryn –”
Kathryn sighed, tears coming to her eyes once again. “I can’t deal with this anymore Chakotay, I’d rather be dead than have to live with the constant terror, failure and repercussions of the many decisions I have made or so many in the years passed and years to come.” She fell into a pile of tears and despair and Chakotay couldn’t help but feel for the woman who had done so much good, brought six children into the world and knew that she would only get to see three grow up. Most of them were his children too, but he had now known and bonded with the children in the same way their mother had. He needed to make her see that what was left of her family needed her to be strong.
And so did he.
And with the death of Jennica; so did Tom.
And all of sudden he understood the extreme tension and responsibility that a Captain felt when the situation was beyond their control.
He walked up to her and enveloped her in a hug. “If you and Tom don’t go and stay with Jennica during her final hours, neither of you will ever forgive yourselves. You have to go and when this is all over, I’ll be here for you and so will the crew.
She shook her head and stared at her husband, “I’m not sure I can go through this again.”
He looked at her, “I’m not sure you have a choice.”
Kathryn nodded and noticed for the first time that Tom had accompanied Chakotay to see the Captain. She gathered her thoughts and stared at Tom, “Then I guess we’d better go and say goodbye to our daughter Tom.”
Tom walked up to her, “It’s the only thing we can do Kat.”
[Sickbay 20 minutes later]
Kathryn and Tom walked into the sickbay and saw in the background Jennica lying on the biobed, the machines beeping and the lights flickering.
The doctor appeared from behind and stared at the Captain and Lieutenant. “I know why you’re here: You can’t save her. She is ending her life cycle.”
Kathryn stared at the doctor, “Her life cycle? How can you speak of her so coldly.”
“I was merely stating that there is nothing else you can do for her.”
Kathryn drew in a deep breath, “I realize that Doctor; but I need to be there with her, and Tom does too.”
The doctor stared at the former couple in front of him. “I understand that you think you need to be there for her, but I don’t think at this point that there is anything you can do for.”
Tom stepped up, “We can be there for her; we may not have been there for her growing up or when she thought she needed us, but we can be there for her now.”
The doctor sighed and looked at the Captain who looked a little worse for wear, “I’m not sure the Captain can suffer through things like this again. She has already lost two children, and this will be the third.”
Kathryn’s face got hard, “I don’t think I have a choice doctor, Jennica needs me.”
The doctor stared at Kathryn, not the Captain, not Chakotay’s wife, but Kathryn and he knew this woman had to do what this woman had to do.
Kathryn walked up to Jennica and moved the blonde locks out of her face and saw the porcelain perfection almost as beautiful as she had been the day she was born.
She didn’t see the machines surrounding her and keeping her with them all she saw was her baby girl.
Tom walked up to her and put his arms around her shoulders. “Who would have thought all those years ago that this is where we’d end up?”
She spun around, sad blue eyes telling the truth, “No one, but that’s part of life and living.”
Tom nodded. “You think she’s in any pain?”
Kathryn shook her head, “Not any more, I think she finally found peace.”
Tom nodded to himself and kissed the top of Kathryn’s head. “I think so too. Do you think she’ll make it out of this?”
Kathryn shook her head tears in her eyes, “I think we should get Harry and Chakotay here to say their goodbyes.”
Tom nodded, “I’ll get them, just stay here with her until I get back.”
Kathryn nodded and took her oldest child’s hand and sadly, not with the voice of the Captain but rather with the voice of a scared mother stated, “Fight it Jennica, that’s an order.” She let the tears fall and felt the warmth of her tears hitting her hands and her daughter’s body.
Twenty minutes later, Tom walked into sickbay with her husband and son-in-law. Kathryn drew up her head and stared at the trio, “Ready?”
Chakotay shook his head, “I don’t think a parent is ever ready to say goodbye to their child.”
Kathryn had tears streaming down her cheek as she nodded; finally she opened her mouth to address the group. “The doctor has told me in no uncertain terms that she won’t be coming out of this and that by using these machines we’re just prolonging the inevitable. I think the time has come to turn the machines off and let nature take their course.”
The group sombrely stared at the ground and let a few silent tears fall. Harry raised his head and looked at the Captain. “You can’t let her die Captain, she’s only like 24, she just got married; she has barely lived!”
Kathryn walked up to the man and took his hand, “The time has come to stop fighting and just let nature take its course.”
Harry stared at her unbelieving, “She’s your child Kathryn; you never cared. You wanted nothing more than to get rid of her so that your perfect little life with your husband and children could continue.”
Chakotay walked up to him, “Now you wait just a second Ensign, she’s still the Captain and no matter what deserves more respect than you’re giving her right now.”
Harry bowed his head ashamed and took a step back, “I’m sorry Captain.”
Kathryn nodded her head and stared at the doctor. “I think it’s time.”
The doctor nodded and began shutting the devices off. Jennica’s breathing slowed and the group watched as eventually the breathing stopped.
The doctor slowly raised his tricorder and scanned the former Borg Drone for lifesigns.
When none were present he stared at the group. “Time of death 0700 hours.”
All of a sudden it became real and Kathryn let the tears flow. Chakotay walked up to her and enveloped her in a hug, showing her out the door.
And Voyager would never be the same.
[3 Months later – sickbay]
Kathryn strode into sickbay. She had been summoned by the doctor and she wasn’t sure why. She stared questioningly at the doctor, “Doctor what is it?”
The doctor stared at her, “When Jennica knew she was dying – when she found out six months ago – she asked me to take genetic samples from both her and Harry so that if he chose in the future to have her children and raise them he could, all that would be needed was a surrogate.”
Kathryn looked at him questioningly, “And?”
The doctor drew in a deep breath, “Her first choice for surrogacy was you.”
Kathryn shook her head, “I’m 47 years old Doctor. I’ve had six kids –”
The doctor stared at her, “I’m aware of that Captain, and I’ve taken this into consideration before even coming to you. After careful consideration and checking of your health status and your genetic history, you are the best candidate at this time for surrogacy of Harry and Jennica’s child.”
She stared at him, “Have you talked to Ensign Kim about this?”
“I hadn’t even pursued the issue before first talking to you about it.”
She sighed, “I need to talk to Chakotay about this before anything else.”
He nodded, “That is understandable, but if you choose to do this, I suggest you don’t wait too long. Since you’ve had a child not that long ago, your body is still prepared for pregnancy and childbirth and you’re young enough to still handle it.”
Kathryn nodded, “I need to talk to Chakotay.”
“I understand, but please make the decision quickly.”
Kathryn curtly nodded and left sickbay.
[Janeway Quarters – 1030 hours]
Kathryn hit the code and entered her quarters; she saw children’s clothes and toys everywhere. She would normally be on the bridge but today was her day off.
When she had gotten the urgent message from the doctor she had sent the children to Sam’s and had quickly walked into sickbay.
The last thing she had expected was to hear, was Jennica’s last wish before she died was for her to give her husband and child and Kathryn was her first choice for surrogate. Her head fell to her hands. “Janeway to Chakotay.”
“Chakotay here Captain, what can I do for you?”
Chakotay heard Kathryn sigh over the line, “Could you meet me in our quarters please? I need to speak with you.”
Chakotay looked to Tuvok, “Commander you have the bridge.”
Chakotay left the bridge and headed for his quarters.
[Ten minutes later – Janeway Quarters]
Chakotay came ripping into his quarters and noticed the lack of children. He thought this odd since it was Kathryn’s day off and she normally treasured her days off the get to know the children.
“Kathryn?”
Kathryn came out of the bedroom quietly and went up to her husband. “Chakotay.”
He saw the remnants of tears on his wife’s face. “What’s wrong Kathryn?”
She drew in a deep breath, “I just had to have a conversation with the doctor.”
Chakotay had a bad feeling about the situation, “What did he want Kathryn? You’re not sick are you? The kids?”
Kathryn reached up and ran a hand around her husband’s face, “Oh, nothing like that.”
She placed a hand on her abdomen, “How would you feel about another baby?”
Chakotay stared at his wife, “Are you pregnant again?”
Kathryn grinned, “Oh no, nothing like that.”
Chakotay looked at his wife quizzically, “Well then what?”
Kathryn drew in a deep breath, “About three months before Jennica died, she left a DNA sample from both her and Harry; that they could use to make Harry a reminder of Jenn.” She paused unsure, “She also left instructions that I be considered as the first choice for the surrogate, should I accept.”
Chakotay stared at his wife increduloius, “Are you kidding me? Have you even talked to Harry about this? And are you sure you even want to do this again?”
Kathryn stared at her husband, “Having children was important to both Jennica and Harry, and this might be his only chance to have a reminder of his diseased wife.”
“What about you Kathryn?”
She shook her head, “What about me?”
“You’ve had six children and we only have three left. You have a dangerous job and –”
“Chakotay everyone on this ship has a dangerous job and a dangerous life; this baby’s chances wouldn’t be any better with anyone else.”
Chakotay sighed and stared at his wife, “You sure you want to do this?”
“I’m sure I have to. What kind of a mother would I be if I couldn’t help my daughter when she needs me most?”
“Your daughter is dead Kathryn and –”
“And this is her legacy.”
Chakotay knew that there was no talking his wife out of spmething when she had her mind set on a goal. “Okay so what do you have to do?”
“I have to go tell the doctor that it’s a go. Since I had a baby not that long ago, I’m probably still ready enough to have a baby. I could still do it, but the doctor said considering my age: If I was going to do it, it would have to be soon.”
Chakotay didn’t really like the idea, but he knew she was going to do it whether he liked it or not. “I think you should go see the doctor and see what your options are and then you can tell me what he says, and what you think you should do.”
Kathryn sighed, “I guess you’re right. I’ll go see him and then we’ll see if we’re going to see if this idea is even plausible; I’ll get back to you soon.”
Chakotay nodded, “I love you Kathryn, you know that right?”
Kathryn smiled, “I know, and you’re so patient with me and that’s part of the reason I love you.”
Chakotay nodded and watched his wife leave their quarters. He had a bad feeling about this, but he knew that she felt it had to be done.
[Harry’s Quarters – Same Time]
Harry looked in the mirror. The past six months had been hell. He looked sickly and his skin was gaunt and he didn’t look healthy.
He rubbed his hands over his face, and drew in a deep breath.
Ever since Jennica had passed life had not been the same.
Life had felt meaningless.
Life just wasn’t the same.
They had had so many dreams for the future; it began with marriage: which they had accomplished and went to children and a long life together.
Even though Harry knew deep down that that would never happen he kept a candle blowing for her.
He had not had the heart to rid himself of her things, and the quarters still felt and smelled of her.
One thing she had learned and taken from her mother, the smell of lavender. Whether it was her perfume or the fresh flowers that both Kathryn and Jennica kept with them, the smell was there.
He had had a conversation once with Chakotay about this very thing, and he remembered:
“What is it with the Janeway women and lavender.”
“You know I asked Kathryn once and she said that the flowers kept her in her free time away from the duties and the visions of Command, and the sterile place that was Voyager.”
“So what about the lavender scent in their perfume?”
Chakotay had laughed, “She said that she just liked the smel;; am dot beat the hell out of engine grease.”
The men had laughed and then they had both gone home to their women, and once again, Harry had felt the feeling of home surround him.
Harry stared at the wall, *How am I going to get through life without Jenn?*
He sighed and went to lay down, sleep would hopefully take him over and he could dream of better times.
[Sickbay - 1200 hours]
Kathryn heard the beeping of the sickbay equipment and woke to the sound of the doctor humming an aria.
She opened her eyes and quickly saw the doctor make his way over to her bedside. “Ah, Captain; nice to see you awake and your eyes asking questions.”
“Did it work?”
The doctor smiled, “You are pregnant. You did talk to your husband about this?”
Kathryn nodded, “Yes, and I know that Jennica wherever she is would be so happy.”
The doctor nodded, “I’m sure she would. Have you informed Mr. Kim?”
“I don’t want to get his hopes up until we’re sure this pregnancy will hold.”
“I’m sure he’d want to know.”
“Give it until I hit three months, by then I’m pretty sure I’ll carry to term.”
The doctor shook his head, “I really think that the father of this child deserves to know Captain.”
“And it would break his heart if he found out I was carry his child and then the baby didn’t survive.”
Despite his misgivings the doctor saw the Captain’s point. “Very well, but when you hit the 12 week mark, I expect him to know.”
The Captain nodded and proceeded to leave sickbay to go and tell her husband that there was a grandbaby on the way. “And Captain, be careful; you just went through an invasive procedure and I don’t want you doing anything to strenuous.”
“Yes doctor, I’ll be careful.”
[Janeway Quarters – 30 minutes later]
Kathryn had walked through the gardens of Starfleet – or as close as she could get on the holodeck – and promptly returned to her quarters.
Her husband was waiting for her, she had been gone a good two hours.
“Kathryn where have you been?”
Kathryn glared at her husband, “You told me to go and speak with the doctor, so that’s what I did.”
“For two hours? I know for a fact that you hate to see the doctor.”
Kathryn sighed and looked guiltily to the ground. “I made a decision Chakotay. I told the doctor to go ahead with the procedure. I’m pregnant.”
Chakotay’s mouth hung open in surprise.”He did it then. You didit without even having me there?”
“This isn’t about you Chakotay: It’s about Jennica, and Harry.”
“This is our life Kathryn, what right did you have to go through with this without having me there?”
Kathryn glared at her husband, ”What is the big deal Chakotay? It was a minor procedure.”
Chakotay looked at her, “I just wish that you’d let me be there for you.” He thought about the beginning of their journey together, “You can’t go back to trying to be self-sufficient and dependent on no one but yourself. When that was the case and you went and did stuff without thinking or asking look what happened to Hannah and Kole.”
She shook her head, “You think I don’t know that? And why do you think I didn’t tell anyone? I wanted to save everyone the heartache.”
Chakotay looked at her, “You don’t have to do everything by yourself Kathryn; you never did.”
Kathryn allowed a few stray tears to fall down her face, “I know; but I can’t do this again if it doesn’t work out for the best. I have just made a decision that will impact more than just our family Chakotay; this will affect my daughter’s would-be family as well, and I can’t live with myself if it doesn’t go right.”
He stared at her and finally understood, she blamed herself for everything and she had to make it right. The fact that her children had passed under her care killed her. “We’ll let it go and everything will be fine; and Harry, he’ll have a little child to forever remind him of his wife that passed.”
Kathryn nodded so happy that he understood her plight. “Thank you for understanding honey.”
Chakotay nodded and led his wife to the bedroom where they made love under the stars, thanking god for all the goodness that their life had brought them.
[2 months later, 1100 hours – Bridge]
Harry’s voice rang out. “Well it has been a quiet couple of months. Is anyone up for pool at Sandrines tonight?”
Kathryn looked at her husband, “I think we can make it Mr. Kim. I believe that Tom is in the mood for an ass kicking.”
Tom laughed, “Was that a challenge Captain? You know I’ve been getting better; and I think that this time I might actually be a challenge for you.”
Kathryn grinned and rose an eyebrow, “Oh, really Mr. Paris? Well we’ll see how good you’ve gotten then.”
Chakotay snickered and stared at Tom, “You’d better watch what you say Tom. She’s still the Captain.”
Tom nodded, “Don’t we all know it.”
“Okay then Mr. Paris: It’s a date, 2000 hours.”
Tom laughed, “After dinner. We should be good for that, Sam already said she’d take the kids for us.”
“Yeah and Celes said she’d take our three.”
“Almost feels sometimes like we don’t have kids to worry about, since the crew seems to be good for babysitting.”
They all nodded and everyone went back to their work.
Harry’s mind reeled, *I’m not sure I can do this anymore: Pretend like my life is complete without Jennica.*
He went back to scanning and making a plan; tonight would be his final show.
[1800 hours – Kim’s Quarters]
Harry looked over the preparations. He saw the ropes, he saw the outfit.
He went to the holodeck and ran the Sandrines program. Sandrine went up to him, “Mon cheri, what can I do for you today? I hear that Tom is coming for a game with your Captain and Commander. She is good, and very handsome.”
Harry stared at Sandrine, “Yeah, she’s pretty; but now she’s taken. The Commander has staked his claim.”
Sandrine laughed, “Mon cheri, I saw that coming. They have – how do you call it – chemistry.”
Harry rolled his eyes, “Indeed they do.”
Sandrine came up behind him, and rubbed her hands up his front. “Hey, we can have chemistry, no?”
Harry sighed, “Computer, shut down Sandrine characters.”
The characters all disappeared and Harry strung the rope up. He checked the length and stood tall enough so that he saw the fact that he could reach the rope and kick the table out from under him. “Computer at 1945, remove the tables and chairs from the Sandrines program.”
“Acknowledged.”
Harry thought about it. “No belay that; upon the entrance of Captain Janeway into the holodeck, delete characters and tables and chairs from the Sandrines program.”
“Acknowledged.”
“Computer turn off Safety Protocols and save.”
“Rescinding safety protocols presents extreme risk of harm.”
“Override.”
“Acknowledged.”
“Save program, and keep settings upon restart of program.”
“Acknowleged.”
Harry gave a wry grin. *Everything is almost perfect.*
Harry left the holodeck. “Computer: End Program.”
And Harry walked out of the holodeck to prepare for the final show.
END SOUL’S REVISIONS 5
TBC in PART 6